How The General Stole Monday
by aligater
Summary: Every Geek down the Cheyenne liked Monday a lot… but the General who fished just north of the Cheyenne did NOT! So I wrote this fanfic in Dr. Seuss style, I hope that you’ll stop and read for a while!


How the General Stole Monday 

By aligater

Email Author: aligater**insert at sybol here**online.ie

Spoilers: First episode of season eight

Season: Eight

Pairings: none…well…

Rating: G

Warnings: None Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters belong to MGM/UA, Showtime/Viacom, SCI-FI Channel, Gekko, Double Secret Productions etc. and all the powers that be, not me. Rhyming taken from 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' by Dr. Seuss; I do not own that either. No copyright infringement intended. This story is written for fan entertainment only and no money has exchanged hands. The story and original characters are the property of the author and may not be posted anywhere without the author's consent.

Written: November 04 – February 06

Thanks to: Kat, my shiny new beta, who had to put up with me writing this, when I should have been working on fic with her! And also Coco Ahrens. Thanks for beta'ing. Love you guys!

Author's note: This was MUCH more difficult than it looks, so take pity! Please review…even if you don't read it! ;) (And, okay, before you say anything, I KNOW Jack's cabin is really more North-East than North but cut me a little slack, would ya?) Plus, just for future reference, 'fish' is the plural of 'fish'.

-

Every Geek  
Down the Cheyenne  
Liked Monday a lot…

But the General,  
Who fished just north of the Cheyenne,  
Did NOT!

The General _hated_ Monday! The whole Monday aspect!  
Now, please don't ask why. No one's had the courage to ask yet.  
It _could_ be that the coffee didn't work well enough.  
It _could_ be that that his desk was always covered in stuff.  
But I think the most likely reason of all  
May have been that the Geeks of his staff roamed the halls.

But,  
Whatever the reason,  
His staff or his desk,  
Jack sat in his office, fearing the pests,  
Staring out from the room with a face like a crab  
At the doctors and scientists on their way to the labs.  
For he knew every Geek in Cheyenne with a muse  
Was busy now, preparing to perplex and confuse.

"And they're writing reports!" he snarled with a sneer.  
"Tomorrow is Monday! It's practically here!"  
Then he scowled, and began absent-mindedly humming,  
"I MUST find some way to stop Monday from coming!"

For,  
Tomorrow, he knew…

…All the Geek women and men  
Would wake bright and early. They'd all attack _him_!  
And _then_! Oh, the Babble! Oh, the Babble! Babble! Babble! Babble!  
That's the _one_ thing he hated! The BABBLE! BABBLE! BABBLE! BABBLE!

Then the Geeks, human and alien, would sit down and fight.  
And they'd fight! _And they'd fight!_  
And they'd FIGHT!  
FIGHT!  
FIGHT!  
FIGHT!  
They'd fight about missions right into the night  
Which was something that really gave O'Neill a fright!

And THEN  
They'd do something  
He liked least of all!  
Every Geek down the Cheyenne, the civilian and military,  
Would stand in a queue, with a sly little smirk.  
They'd stand at his office. And they'd give paperwork!

And it piled! _And it piled!_  
AND it PILED! PILED! PILED! PILED!  
And the more that he thought of this paperwork heap,  
The more that he thought, "I must stop it this week!  
"Why, for fifty-three days I've put up with it now!  
"I MUST stop this Monday from coming!  
_…But HOW?"_

Then he got an idea!  
_An awful idea!_  
THE GENERAL GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know ,_just_ what to do!" the General laughed with glee.  
And he ran to his desk and he pulled out a key.  
And he chuckled and clucked, "What a brilliant trick!  
"With this key to the labs, I can steal their work quick!"

"All I need is my coffee..."  
O'Neill looked around.  
But, since he'd drunk it all earlier, there was none to be found.  
Did that stop the General...?  
No! Jack simply said,  
"If I can't _find_ some coffee, I'll _take_ some instead!"  
So he went to the commissary. Then he got _each_ ground bean  
And made stuff guaranteed to fill him with caffeine.

THEN  
He went to his office  
And, stepping over science notes  
He searched through the clutter  
And produced a lab coat.

Then the General said "Woo-hoo"  
And took the elevator fast  
Towards the rooms where the Geeks  
Lay a-snooze in their labs.

All the doorways were dark. PC hum filled the air.  
All the Geeks were dreaming sweet dreams without care.  
When he came to the first little lab that was there.  
"This is stop number one," laughed the ecstatic vandal  
And he crept to the doorway and pushed down the handle.

Then he slid through the entrance, watching out for the jumble.  
But, if scientists could do it, then so could the General.  
He tripped only once, landing flat on his rear.  
Then he got up, and round the dark room he did peer  
At the Geek doohickeys on a desk in a row.  
"These doohickeys," he grinned, "are the _first_ things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile rather stingy,  
Around the whole room, and removed every thingy!  
Devices! And instruments! Gizmos! And gadgets!  
Tools! And equipment! Doodads! And magnets!  
And he took them apart. Then the O'Neill, rather meanly,  
Hid them behind flowers and plant pots and greenery!

Then he slunk to the cabinets. He took the Geeks' folders!  
He took the protractors! He took pencil holders!  
He cleaned out those cabinets as quick as a flash.  
Why, that General even put the last pen in the trash!

And he hid all the bits 'round the room with a smirk,  
"And NOW!" grinned the General, "I will take paperwork!"

Then O'Neill grabbed reports, and started to hide,  
When he heard a weird sound like a moan by his side.  
He turned around fast, and he saw a blonde Geek!  
Colonel Sam Carter, who had stayed there all week.

The General had been caught by this way-too-smart brain  
Who awoke, and sat up from the desk where she'd lain.  
She looked at O'Neill and said "General, why,  
"_Why_ are you taking my paperwork? WHY?"

But you know, that General was so determined and desperate  
He thought of a lie, so he'd get away with it!  
"Why, my sweet little Sam," the fake scientist lied  
"You forgot to turn in your reports from last night.  
"So I'm taking them back to my office to do.  
"I'll read them up _there_. Then I'll get back to _you_."

And his lie fooled the Geek. Then in a firm tone,  
He ordered her to go get some rest in her home.  
And when Colonel Sam left the base to go sleep,  
HE hid all the sheets from her paperwork heap!

Then the _last_ thing he hid  
Was the floppy disk box!  
Then he sped out the door, himself, the old fox  
On the desks he left nothing but a few dust-free spots.

And the one speck of paper  
That he left in the lab  
Was a note telling Carter her reports had been bad.

Then  
He did the _same_ thing  
To the _other_ Geek's labs

Leaving notes  
Saying their reports  
Had also been bad!

It was quarter past dawn…  
All the Geeks still a-bed,  
All the Geeks still a-snooze  
When he turned 'round and fled,  
With all Daniel's artefacts! The relics! The rocks!  
The brushes! The boxes! The Ancient! His socks!

Three levels down! Back down to his office,  
He took all the gadgets and pencils and fossils!  
"Nah-Nah to the Geeks!" he was Jack-ish-ly humming.  
"They're finding out now that no Monday is coming!  
"They're just waking up! I know _just_ what they'll shout!  
"Their mouths will hang open and their eyes will pop out  
"Then the Geeks down the Cheyenne will all cry and POUT!

"That's a sight," grinned O'Neill,  
"That I simply MUST see"  
So he paused. And Old Jack waited with glee.  
And he _did_ see someone heading towards his position.  
A scientist, followed by a linguist and physician.

But they were not _silent_!  
Why, this sounded like _chatter_!  
It _couldn't_ be so!  
But it WAS chatter! And NATTER!

He stared out at the Geeks.  
The General rubbed his eyes.  
Then he groaned.  
What he saw was one real surprise.

Every Geek down the Cheyenne, the blonde and the bald,  
Was babbling! Without any paper at all!

He HADN'T stopped Monday from coming!  
IT CAME!  
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And O'Neill, coming down from his caffeine high,  
Sat grumbling and mumbling: "They're babbling – WHY?  
"It came without paper! It came without floppies!  
"It came without artefacts, physics or coffee"  
And he thumped on his desk 'til his hands were both sore.  
_Then_ the General thought of something he hadn't before.  
"Maybe Monday," he thought, "_mustn't_ be such a bore.  
"Maybe Monday…perhaps… is something _I_ can ignore!"

And what happened _next_...?  
Well…in Cheyenne they say  
That the General and his team  
Caught four fishes that day!  
And the minute they'd left for his cabin and lake,  
He realised the importance of taking a break  
And he forgot all the babbling! And paperwork in a heap!  
And he…

…HE HIMSELF!  
_The General enjoyed Monday that week!_

-

End notes: Pleeeease? Just a little review? Also, has anybody seen Daniel's socks? We still haven't found them yet…


End file.
